Pork Roll and Holistic Medicine: How The World’s Greatest Regional Meat Product has saved MILLIONS of lives

To say that Pork Roll is a miracle of medicine is an understatement.

I have literally seen with my own eyes two slices of taylor ham used as defibrillator paddles on a man suffering a heart attack in a NJ diner.  Not only was his life saved that day but afterwards, he would fondly recall the Stacked Pork Egg and Cheese on a Bagel that he was eating that day as, “the greatest breakfast sandwich I have ever shoved into my face.”

Here are a few other ways the ambrosia of New Jersey can save you a trip to the ER.

No matter how deep the cut, Pork Roll’s got you covered. My own father lost the top of one of his fingers in a freak dump truck accident. One 4-pack of Taylor’s Miracle Meat and a week later, BOOM!!… Finger Re-Grown.

Everyone knows that 4th degree burns are no joke and neither are 4th degree blackbelts. The Trenton Tourniquet is so good at treating burns that firefighters across the country carry a tube in their medical kits. In 4-alarm fires, pork roll has also been known to give these firefighter’s additional super powers such as flight and shooting lasers out of their eyes.

“Pork roll is the tonic, the relief, the surcease for pain.” Charlie Chaplin

The dreaded Scraped Knees. Nothing put you out of commission faster than scraping a knee or two. Any sports doctor in the game carries a bag of Case’s Cure-All in their med kit. Even works on scrapes caused by concrete.

Jersey Diners, they ALL serve the World’s Greatest Regional Meat Product: Pork Roll

When you step into a diner in New Jersey, you are instantly hit with what scientists call “the most delicious smell ever crafted by mankind”, pork roll cooking on the grill. Sure, there are other things on the menu, but that magic meat is the only thing that matters. The next time you are in a NJ diner take a good look around…no one is even looking at the menu except out-of-staters. Because we already know what we want.

It’s no secret that Jersey loves its pork roll. Benjamin Franklin founded New Jersey on the tenet that, “In Pork Roll there is Wisdom, in Taylor Ham there is Freedom, NJ shall hold these truths to be self-evident.” A little-known fact outside of NJ tho is that all New Jersey diners are required by constitutional
amendment to serve pork roll in their establishment. Did you know that? It’s true. I am not making any of this up.

After the dark, tasteless years of prohibition (when pork roll had to go underground) then NJ Governor John Smallberries brought forth the legislation that would change NJ from the “Awesome State” to the “Garden State” because we lived in a garden of pork roll egg and cheese. The legislation passed unanimously (of course) and all NJ diners were required to carry PREC on the menu henceforth. And it was this sense of Jersey exceptionalism that fueled the spreading wildfire of Pork Roll expansion…within the state.

So whether you live in the pork roll state or are just visiting, make sure that you pay worship at one of New Jersey’s many denominational churches…the NJ Diner.

12 Incredibly True Facts about Pork Roll, The World’s Greatest Regional Meat Product:

Be not afraid of greatness: some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them. 

William Shakespeare (talking about Pork Roll)

  1. You can smell pork roll cooking from two miles away.  The scent of pork roll is a powerful aphrodisiac.
  2. A fully-grown pork roll can reach up to 8 ft in height and can weigh up to 2 tons.
  3. The sound of pork roll frying on the stove peaked at No.1 on 95.9 The Rat.
  4. Pork Roll contains 5 essential vitamins. These vitamins are what make people from NJ able to negotiate a jug-handle.
  5. You can have trace amounts of pork roll in your system for up to 30 days.
  6. In Ocean county, they call pork roll delicious while in Bergen county they call pork roll amazing.
  7. No two pork roll are exactly alike. Similar to snowflakes, except that they are delicious…and amazing.
  8. Pork roll can be served on a roll, bread, a bagel or even just picked up with your fingers and shoved into your mouth.
  9. The first rule of The Association of NJ Diners is that “all diners offering food in the state of NJ must make pork roll available to all guests”.
  10. The unique shapes that pork roll must be cut into for cooking are necessary to unleash its full rage of flavor.
  11. Pork roll is the missing ingredient for turning lead into gold.
  12. The only thing that comes between New Jersey and its pork roll is eggs, cheese and some type of bread (and sometimes salt, pepper, ketchup, but it really needs to be that tough pepper you know?)