Pork Roll and Holistic Medicine: How The World’s Greatest Regional Meat Product has saved MILLIONS of lives

To say that Pork Roll is a miracle of medicine is an understatement.

I have literally seen with my own eyes two slices of taylor ham used as defibrillator paddles on a man suffering a heart attack in a NJ diner.  Not only was his life saved that day but afterwards, he would fondly recall the Stacked Pork Egg and Cheese on a Bagel that he was eating that day as, “the greatest breakfast sandwich I have ever shoved into my face.”

Here are a few other ways the ambrosia of New Jersey can save you a trip to the ER.

No matter how deep the cut, Pork Roll’s got you covered. My own father lost the top of one of his fingers in a freak dump truck accident. One 4-pack of Taylor’s Miracle Meat and a week later, BOOM!!… Finger Re-Grown.

Everyone knows that 4th degree burns are no joke and neither are 4th degree blackbelts. The Trenton Tourniquet is so good at treating burns that firefighters across the country carry a tube in their medical kits. In 4-alarm fires, pork roll has also been known to give these firefighter’s additional super powers such as flight and shooting lasers out of their eyes.

“Pork roll is the tonic, the relief, the surcease for pain.” Charlie Chaplin

The dreaded Scraped Knees. Nothing put you out of commission faster than scraping a knee or two. Any sports doctor in the game carries a bag of Case’s Cure-All in their med kit. Even works on scrapes caused by concrete.

12 Incredibly True Facts about Pork Roll, The World’s Greatest Regional Meat Product:

Be not afraid of greatness: some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them. 

William Shakespeare (talking about Pork Roll)

  1. You can smell pork roll cooking from two miles away.  The scent of pork roll is a powerful aphrodisiac.
  2. A fully-grown pork roll can reach up to 8 ft in height and can weigh up to 2 tons.
  3. The sound of pork roll frying on the stove peaked at No.1 on 95.9 The Rat.
  4. Pork Roll contains 5 essential vitamins. These vitamins are what make people from NJ able to negotiate a jug-handle.
  5. You can have trace amounts of pork roll in your system for up to 30 days.
  6. In Ocean county, they call pork roll delicious while in Bergen county they call pork roll amazing.
  7. No two pork roll are exactly alike. Similar to snowflakes, except that they are delicious…and amazing.
  8. Pork roll can be served on a roll, bread, a bagel or even just picked up with your fingers and shoved into your mouth.
  9. The first rule of The Association of NJ Diners is that “all diners offering food in the state of NJ must make pork roll available to all guests”.
  10. The unique shapes that pork roll must be cut into for cooking are necessary to unleash its full rage of flavor.
  11. Pork roll is the missing ingredient for turning lead into gold.
  12. The only thing that comes between New Jersey and its pork roll is eggs, cheese and some type of bread (and sometimes salt, pepper, ketchup, but it really needs to be that tough pepper you know?)